"Sacrifice without reward is deprivaton"

    "And any program of change...based on deprivation...is inherently unstable."

    So say The Editors in this month's issue of Black Enterprise magazine.

    I see now why I've been so bad with my money the last three months.

    I'm exhausted. And I've lost my motivation.

    Now, I have some nerve talking about exhaustion -- I've hardly been going without and I wouldn't add my name to the list of financial martyrs.

    But two bad things happened at once, and they slowed down my financial progress.

    One, I got cocky.

    Two, all the hard work I did over the last year made me resentful instead of proud.

    First of all, I started to slow down on posting to the blog and monitoring my money because I figured I knew what I needed to know and I didn't have anything new and interesting to say.
    Spend less than you earn. Budget. Save. Yeah, yeah, I got it.
    I automated bill paying and 401k and emergency fund saving. I automated my credit card payments. I adjusted my tax withholding.
    Other than that, what else was there to do? I was doing a whole lot of patting myself on the back. I thought, "I've got this money thing down. I'm better than I was. I won't make the same mistakes. I really don't need to stress like I was before. It's boring. It's frustrating. I can chillax."

    Only chillaxing led me to do dumb things I always did before. Using the charge card again, always paying off the balance, but still, I realize now, spending more than I had to spend. Yes I had the money saved, but if I spent CASH instead of using the card, I know I would have spent less.
    For example, one month, I bought a bunch of clothes thinking I had plenty of money because I saved so much on some regular bills. The card statement came and I started hyperventilating because it was so high and I couldn't figure out why. I went into my closet, grabbed everything that wasn't worn and still had the tags on it and took it back. Thankfully, that was just about everything.

    Second, I just got sick of pennypinching and foregoing things I wanted. It's like flexing  a muscle and holding it for hours, but you're not exercising, so you're not strengthening the muscle. Just wearing it out.

    I totally lost sight of my goals.

    Pay off the credit card by the end of the year. Yeah, yeah. I got it.
But I wasn't doing it. I didn't re-evaluate. How much do I need to put down monthly to make that happen? When does my 0% promotion end? Is there any other way to get extra income to make this happen?
    I just didn't want to think about it any more.
    And that's what I mean about sacrifice without reward. I just didn't see a light at the end of this tunnel. So, I sabotaged my own progress, but I didn't realize it.

    I think I was pissed that I was still in debt anyway. I read so many other blogs or articles about people in more debt paying it off much faster. I had all these posts boasting about how I'd be done so much sooner than I thought and how great I was for getting it together.
    A co-worker of mine told me about how she didn't buy a stitch of clothing for two years so she could pay off her cards. Me? I think I've bought more clothes in the last six months than I had in the previous two years.
    Somebody else paid off 10G in a year. 8G in 6 months.
    Whatever.
    Rather than feel motivated, I felt bad. I was not doing this right. Maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe I'll just be in debt for a while. Hmm... I think I'll buy some shoes.
    Then, of course, it's embarrassing to put that out in cyberspace. Hi, I'm a pf blogger whose finances are sucking!

    Then there's the rest of my life. It's  a great life. I really don't have anything to complain about. But everything didn't go according to plan. Still not married yet -- mostly for financial and geographic reasons. That's hard to talk about, especially when you had a date set and everything (I can't tell you how irritating it is for people to constantly ask "Oh did you get married!" and explain that we've postponed things for the second time... then you start getting that "Oh yeah, we know what that means" look).

    Ugh.

    But rather than blow the pity party, frankly, I just got lazy. Fell back into old habits. You think they're gone, but they're not. They're well worn grooves in your brain. Without diligence, you go right back to them.

    So, I'm not making excuses. I'm not explaining things away. I'm just being honest about what I've been doing and not doing.
    In the past, the only way I could fix things was to admit that I was doing them wrong in the first place. I've got to do that now. Again.
    It's not fun.
    But being out of debt... that will be fun. And it will be worth it.

    DH

   
   

Comments

[L. Britt]

DH, thank you SO much for posting this. It is so rare to hear pf bloggers talk about the daily struggle to stay on point. I often think "I can't be one of them because it's so easy for them and so difficult for me." I truly believe that for a lot of people (including me), difficulties with money have more to do with emotional baggage and history than with anything else. Thanks for making me feel less alone.

By the way, you also taught me a lot about how entrenched financial bad habits can be. Stay strong, DH! And (please don't take this the wrong way) I'm really proud of you for writing this post. Thank you.

[C.Parker]

I agree with L.Britt. Thank you so much and you are not alone! I have been feeling so frustrated with my self about my money situation and how I could get in a situation where I was so irresponsible and mess up my credit. I am happy to say that I am 3 months away from paying off one bill and after that is gone I am going to apply that payment to my other balances. People dont realize the amount of emotional stress that comes with getting out of debt or dealing with any type of imbalance in our lives. Yes some people can go and not buy clothes and stuff but you have to have some type of reward. I tried it the other way and I just ended up resentful especially of friends who made better financial decisions than myself early on or made more money. I'm sorry,I like buying clothes but now I just shop at stores when I can put things on lay a way and buy off season to cut down on my clothing expenses because that is something that I know I like to do. I am also getting used to the cash only system which is hard but it forces me to live off what I have which allows me to become more conscious of the desisions I make about money. I am inspired by you so dont give up because there is light at the end of the tunnel. Its not about how many times you fall its about how many times you get up and keep going. When I read this blog I feel like I am not alone.

[Nine Circles]

I think you've been running into something that is inevitable when you're climbing out of debt, or doing anything that involves long-term change. When the change becomes routine, it just becomes a drag. I can see this on the horizon for myself as well. Right now, being careful about money (or at least more careful than I've been in the past) is still kind of new and interesting. But getting out of debt is probably going to take me about three years and that's a long haul. That requires routines and my body seems to reject routine of any kind. I've already gotten very sloppy about grocery shopping and especially about grabbing fast food when I'm pressed for time. My budget for food has just been blown out of the water in the past month. But I can pull it together and get focused again, and so will you.

And as for the marriage thing, good for you for waiting. Your marriage will be so much stronger for having waited until your finances were in order. Congratulations on being wiser than most people are about such important decisions.

[Grace]

Are you ears twitching? This was a wonderful, thought-provoking post. I talk about it, and you, in my blog today.

[Sistah Ant]

DH, we ain't nobody. By that I mean, if something is going on with you and your finances that isn't 100% perfect, you don't have to be embarrassed about it in front of your readers. We all have either 1) messed up in the past, or 2) are messing up now. We all have to learn how to do it right, that's why we're reading. And we are in no position to judge.

That said, I can relate to wanting my efforts to pay off faster and better. Every victory I get is soooo small in comparison to my grand debt total. I also think about how much more I'd progress if my salary was higher. I try not to think about that stuff too much. I try to focus on small victories while setting myself up for better means later. Plus, I look at where I was when I started my mission - I haven't gotten rid of all the problems, but I'm in a better position than I was then. Knowing that makes me feel like I can keep going.

I look at others' huge accomplishments as examples of what to work towards, instead of looking at them as efforts that are better than my own. Ex: I can't drop 10K on my student loans like my favorite PF blogger, but if I keep doing what I'm doing - if I don't give up - I'll be able to do stuff like that one day. My drop of $600 on a bill is still a milestone - I'm running my own race. We can only work with the leeway we have, and discipline doesn't come overnight. It takes time to get better and build enduring habits. But we can. I can and you can.

[Terri]

I agree with everyone else, so here's a hug {{{DH}}}

[Bklyn's Finest]

Wow.. thank you for sharing your struggle.. I found you by way of Single Ma.

I struggle daily and I do understand your lack of motivation because instead of jumpin a hurdle we sometimes just use it as an "excuse" to let things get further out of control.. glad you rebounded and did what you had to do to get back on YOUR track.. YOUR timeline.. nobody else's..

thanks for having me.. BK

[Constance]

i've been tripping too. I've been using it's my birthday-month as an excuse.

You'll make it. You have a lot of people to support ya.

[Challenging Debt]

You slip, you slide, you get back up and you ride. Girl we all have week moments and as long as we get back up and keep trying.

[Missy]

I'm catching up on your site so I know this is a late comment, but hang in there! I've had a pretty crummy financial year myself and it's hard to admit, yeah, I bought that even though I knew I didn't have the money (and that, and that, and that) but it happens. You'll make it through.

As for you and your guy, and your leap of faith, I think it's great. I'll keep my fingers crossed you find a great job. I had to do the same thing several years ago, and we had some rough months (it was in DC too, incidentally) but I found a job after about 3 months and we were fine. I know it's terrifying, but being away from the person you love -- that's a terrible thing. Life's wayyy too short for that.