Debt Hater

A smaller wedding to suit our dreams

    I'm in my gown kissing my dapper groom in his custom-made suit while our mothers cry and our friends cheer.
    Then photographer's camera flashes hundreds of times and when he's done, we'll look like models in some glossy magazine -- a couple almost too good to be true.
    We'd feast with our loved ones and listen to our personal playlist blaring out of the speakers. After the official celebration, we'd gather with our younger, mostly single, buddies and head out, dressed to the nines, to a sophisticated night spot to toast, dance and party before the sun rose on our first full day as husband and wife.

    At least, that's how I envisioned it.
    But that's not how it's going to happen it seems.

Dreams Deferred

    PF fam... things are not well at the DH household.
    They are tougher than I imagined they ever would be.
    And I'm afraid that this isn't the end of a bad stretch -- it may be the beginning.

    Just a week ago, I posted about how I felt even stronger in my resolve to rid myself of debt even though I knew that my situation was likely going to get worse before it got better.

    Oh, how the world can implode in just seven days!

    Unfortunately, I can't get into much detail right now about what's happening. It's about money, very much so, but it's about much more too.
    Don't worry, the guy and I are not breaking up or anything like that. That's not the problem. Actually, our relationship is the best thing happening for either of us right now.
    We are operating purely on love (not just for each other, but the love and prayers of family and friends) and faith.

    A reader and new PF blogger commented on my site that the journey out of debt and into person and financial freedom was tough and people close to the blogger weren't helping matters. I encouraged that blogger to realize that God has better things for us and debt is a trap of the enemy.
    Just in the last week, my faith in my own words was sorely tested. I still believe them and I am never going to stop working on this or myself, but forgive me if there are big gaps in my posts. I'm not being lazy, but sometimes I just don't have the strength. It's enough just getting out of bed and going to work, then working my butt off and smiling all day.
    If people only knew...

    God bless and keep on with the fight!

    DH

  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Why I Don't Have an Engagement Ring

    Jim at Blueprint for Financial Prosperity has a post referring to an article about diamonds and how they've been pushed onto the American public like narcotics. Read the post here. Read the article here.
    The industry is essentially run by the DeBeers cartel.
    And diamonds are not as precious as we think. I read a chapter in a marketing textbook some years ago that explained that every time a new diamond is dug up, it makes every other diamond in the world that much less valuable. Why? Because diamonds really do last forever.

    I told my fiance long before we got engaged that I didn't want a diamong engagement ring. A ring would be nice, but no diamonds.
    I made that decision after the situation with the only diamond I've ever owned.
    My ex-fiance gave me a diamond ring when we got engaged. I remember I would let light trip off it onto the wall so I could see the dancing rainbow speckles. I think I was mostly happy to be getting married (the bling was nice too).
    Our relationship took a nosedive and he broke up with me over the phone (yeah). I sent him back the pile of crap he was storing in my apartment and, as payment, I kept the diamond ring.
    I should have sent him the diamond ring and just thrown out the crap.
    That's a bit of a an exaggeration, but my point is this: I knew what he paid for it, so that's what I expected I'd get back, or at least 60% to 80% of it. But once I tried hocking it to consignment stores and diamond dealers, I found out that in real life you're only going to fetch 10% to 40% of the original retail cost of run-of-the-mill diamonds. Now, don't ask me about Jennifer Lopez's pink diamond because that's a different ballgame. But the rock (or the pebble, as it were) that most of us will get from someone isn't going to enrich us.
    It took me months to find a buyer for that thing. I went to a diamond dealer in New York City who told me that normally, he doesn't even give people 50% what they paid. It isn't worth it. But he clearly pitied me and gave me more than anyone else had offered me... though I still wonder why he bothered. I'm just thankful.
    But it wasn't until after that that I remembered what I read in the textbooks -- "diamonds are forever" is a marketing scam by DeBeers to get people to buy these things. That's where the 3-diamond anniversary ring ploy came from. That's why diamond rings for the right hand become popular a few years ago.
    That's why the colored diamond fad makes me laugh. The 4C's dictate that a truly valuable diamond must be colorless. Any hint of yellow or any other color is a defect. So why are people spending thousands on yellow diamonds? We're being duped.

    Aside from that, I couldn't in good conscience walk around with a diamond on my finger when I knew that some one-legged African mother  was probably sent into a mine to dig it out. I know that many things I buy come from exploited labor, but not only was this from exploited people (MY people on top of it), but I had no use for it. And, likewise, I could think of dozens of things I'd rather my guy spend that much money on. Want to spend a few grand on me? Send me to Tahiti for a week.

    So, I have no diamond ring. I tell people I'm engaged and their eyes automatically dart down to my finger and back up to my face. It's reflex. And it's one I've happily broken.

Wedding Dress Update

    I got the right size!

    If you remember my first post about the dress, I was all despondent because I didn't think I'd be able to get the next size up. Well, I called to ask and they said they couldn't do it, which I already knew would happen. There were signs all over the store that you couldn't return Nicole Miller dresses. I had resigned myself to the size 8 and said I just can't gain a single pound (yeah right).
    But then something horrible happened, but it turned out to work in my favor. My mother called the boutique. I didn't know she called them. I didn't find out until she called me to tell me to bring back the dress so they could return it and send the size 10.
    I was mortified. I'm damn near 30 and my mommy is making calls for me. Horrors.
    But, they conceded and the next size up fit much better. And it didn't cost me a penny.

    DH

    PS -- Make sure you take a look at my last post about gift giving. Share your ideas, or even your frustrations!

Men and their toys

    I wanted an apple corer.
    So I got my Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons to go get an apple corer.
    Took my guy with me to help me look for one among the walls of gadgets. He finds one, but it doesn't just core apples. It's this contraption that "vacuum seals" to the countertop and then you wind the apple through a corer while it's being peeled and sliced. It costs $19.99. And it peels potatoes, without coring them of course.
    Then I find a plain old corer. You push it through the apple and rid it of the core. $6.99
    I got the contraption. My guy was so enthused about it. And since I'll be making a sweet potatoe pecan pie for Thanksgiving, I thought it might come in handy.
    We get the thing home and immediately put it to use to make apple crisp for after-dinner dessert. I ask the man to do it. He rigs it up, cranks it through and the blades send a snake-like peel of apple skin spiraling onto the countertop. Meanwhile the apple spins along the blade, magically coming out on the other side with no core. We pulled the apple off and it was cut into one long ribbon. "Cool!" he shouts. Then he lifts up the peel, which has quite a bit of meat on it, throws back his head and lowers the apple peel worm into his mouth, crunching it all the way. I had to turn my head to hide my smile. He looked like a little kid.

    Men will be boys when it comes to toys. Too bad the toys cost so much more than simple, practical gadgets.

    When is it worth it to get the 3-in-1 contraptions when a simple device will do? Or it is just a matter of preference?

    Talk to me!

    DH

Wisdom of grandparents?

    This weekend my mom and grandmother and my guy's mom, stepdad and grandmother came up for a visit.
    We had a great time.
    What was really funny were our grandmothers. First they talked about all their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Then they talked about all the things they did back in the country -- including killing hogs and harvesting sugar cane. Then, as older people tend to do, they started comparing their many age related ailments including arthritis and diabetes.
    But, they just don't make them like these ladies anymore. Both over 90 years old, their families still call on them to take care of people. My grandmother still takes care of her great grands. My guy's grandmother was just taking care of one of her own elderly children.
    My guy's grandmother has never been to NYC, so I told her she'd love her visit for our wedding.
    "When are you getting married?" she asked. "April," I said.
     Then, in unison, my gram and his gram go "Why are you taking so long!?"
    "To save money!" I said.
    "Yall young people want to spend so much money on a wedding."
    "All that money for just one day."
    "You could put that money to use for something else."
    "I went to the minister's house. That was good enough for me."
    "Or you can go to the justice of the peace."
    "Thaaaat's right!"

    Okay, so what say you about weddings? I mean, we thought about it and talked about it over and over and we decided we wanted to share this event with special people. It's going to cost us a small fortune because we have to feed all these people.
    But is this a bad idea whe you're mired in debt, have no assets and don't own a home?
    Or does it not matter, so long as you don't build debt having this big party with the expensive clothes?
    We're going to have our wedding and it's going to be great, but I wonder -- how much sense does this make?

    Talk to me

    DH

Bleeding money for the matrimony

  Okay, so the wedding so far --
    Dress: CHECK
    Site: CHECK
    Photographer: CHECK
   
    As in, I have to write checks for all these things!

    We have finally found a location in NYC for our ceremony and reception. It's a beautiful spot and though quite expensive, it was thousands of dollars cheaper than a bunch of other locations I looked at.
    I am very pleased!
    I was less excited about writing a check for $1,000 -- a NON-REFUNDABLE deposit. How can you make an amount so big non-refundable?
    I went over the contract with a fine-toothed comb, sent a list of questions by e-mail and waited for responses before signing our hard earned money away.
    I also asked the photographer to accept a smaller deposit (it's normally 30% of the total price -- asked him to accept 10%) because if either of us had to cancel, I didn't want to be out $600 of a non-refundable deposit. Of couse, I have that in an e-mail too.
    I've seen too many judge shows to know that you must have everything in writing and a paper trail. Anyone wants to get cute with me and I have the e-mails to prove what I was told. I also rejiggered the contracts to get what I want. With these large amounts of money, it's no time to play around (as I quickly learned after the dress incident).
    Which brings me to a far more important point: After the engagement is no time to figure out if you can actually marry someone. Many couples go to counseling AFTER the proposal, the ring, the acceptance and the preliminary planning. That's all backwards.
    My guy and I went to premartial counseling BEFORE there was a proposal. If you've been talking marriage with someone, test the waters earlier. It'll save you a lot of time and hopefully grief.
    Your life is more important than your money. If you and your sig-other know in your hearts a marriage would be disastrous, don't live in denial, call off the wedding. Yes, you'll lose money and a little face, but it's worth sparing yourself the misery of a divorce or years in a marriage neither of you really wants to be in. Before a wedding is the best time to call a marriage off.
    With that said, I don't anticipate that being a problem for us! We've both been down that road before and we're smarter, happier people for it.

My first wedding mistake

    And of course it's one of the most important things to me...

    I have spent much time reading Bridal Bargains by Denise and Alan Fields. I took notes. I made checklists. I mentally walked through conversations I would have with various vendors. I did my homework.

    So tell me why I bought my wedding gown, final sale, without doing any of the things they say to do in the book?

    It's a beautiful gown. It looks great on me. It's the style I wanted. It cost twice what I wanted to pay (but then again, I wanted to pay a little, little bit to begin with), but it was THE gown. I tried it on when I went home to NYC and knew it was the one. I didn't order it then, because I had to sleep on it.
    I came back to Tennessee and found a store that carried that designer's bridal line, so I went back for it. I tried it on in that store -- a size 6 -- and it was too tight, but, ironically, it still looked nice once it was on, but I knew it was entirely too small to buy. I struggled to get in and out of it.
    So the consultant took my measurments and I compared them to the gown manufacturer's dress size. My measurements hovered between an 8 and a 10. (Note about bridal gown sizes: they have nothing to do with sizes in  real life. In real life, I wear a 12 or 14. I've never worn an 8 in anything in my life and I couldn't get a 6 over my ankles or the top of my head.)
    So what's the smart thing to do? Everyone say it together: Order the 10!
    The consultant thought my measurements were closer to the 8. So that's what I ordered. The Fields say to make sure it's written on the receipt that you ordered the store recommended size. It will help when negotiating for alterations.
    I didn't do that either.
    It took two days for the dress to come in because it didn't require any custom sizing. I tried it on in the store. It fit much better and it looked great, but I did have to suck it in to zip it all the way up.
    Oohs and aahs from the store employees and two shoppers and I happily paid the remainder of the balance on my dress and left the store, the whole time a nagging lump in my chest saying "you should have ordered a 10."
    All sales final. It said it on the receipt and on several signs near the cash register.
    Now, don't get me wrong, the dress looks great and it does fit. But that's the trouble. It fits. As in, so long as I don't gain a pound or two by the wedding, it'll be perfect. And I'm not one of these women who buys a dress and then plans to lose weight to get in it. How silly! But here I am.
    Not to mention that I've never spent so much on a single item of clothing in my entire life, so I think I'd feel queasy about the purchase no matter what.
    I love the dress. I want the dress. I don't have any regrets about the dress. I just know I should have gone a size up, just in case. It's easy to make things smaller, but another thing to make them bigger.
    But, being a pf blogger, I'm going to see what I can do anyway. I know that the 10 might actually be too big, but like I said, it can be made smaller. But, if I can't exchange it for a 10, I'll just have to go easy on the holiday cookies. Stay tuned...
    Well,  I knew this wouldn't be foolproof, but I hope I don't make any more mistakes... especially since I've done the research and I know better!!

Lesson learned: Don't shop on emotion. I wanted the dress yesterday, so rather than find a location that allowed exchanges, returns or some negotiation, I just bought the dress. Now, no matter what I wanted to do, I'm pretty much stuck.

Lesson learned: Always exercise your better judgment. If you know you know better, don't let anyone talk you into something else.

Lesson learned: I didn't go into it in the post, but never discuss woman stuff with a man. He'll just say something that'll piss you off.