A New Start

Whatever happened to me getting married?

Some of you may have been wondering all this time, while you newer readers may not have known at all that I am engaged.

While I was paying off my debt, I was also saving for a wedding. When I got a new job and moved to Tennessee, and my guy followed, we were planning a wedding. "Wedding" had been a line item in my budget for more than a year.

And for the past year, it hasn't been.

When I moved to D.C. to finally be with my guy in a place we both thought we could settle down in, I thought that we'd pretty much be on Easy Street. I had to find a job (which, thank God, I got on my first interview in D.C.... even though that job is now getting on my last nerve, but I'll get into that in a later post). We were squished in a studio, but we were together.

Famous last words. We had some unresolved issues festering between us, pressed hard by the stress of trying to get on financially stable ground, me dealing with a new city, him dealing with another person in his already small space, us trying to decide just who we wanted to be as a couple.

There were many days, weeks, months, moments where there was no question and no doubt that we madly in love and knew we could be something great together. But there were also moments, days... weeks... when we were at an impasse, not on the same page, not speaking, angry, frustrated, tired.

We've been working on it and I am happy to say I think we're doing really well. Much better, as far as I'm concerned, than we were doing this same time in 2008.

But, we still needed to do something different.

So I am moving out.

We made this decision a few weeks ago. I have held off on blogging about a lot of this stuff for some obvious reasons (this is deeply personal, but my blog isn't exactly anonymous). But, since this is going to directly and deeply affect my financial situation, here it is.

We're not breaking up. As a matter of fact, we want to start "dating" again, work on the friendship part of our relationship and just get to know each other in a different way. It's very exciting, although, yes, it's about a million miles away from where I thought we'd be two years ago.

I'm ok with that.

I love him. I know he loves me. We're going to keep working it out and we'll see what happens.

The dress. I still have it. It hangs in our shared closet. And maybe one day it will be worn, by me.

DH

PS -- The good news is, I found an apartment already. I'll get to that in my next post.

Comments

[Wellheeled]

Wow! That's a new development. Kudos to you for doing what's best for you. I can't wait to read about your new apartment.

If I may ask, do you think cohabiting before marrying made separating (even in terms of physical distance) more of an option? For example, if you married before you squished into a studio together, do you think you would still be considering moving out?

[Simone]

I commend you for being able to figure this out BEFORE marriage. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Kameee]

Excellent decision. Moving in together is a HUGE adjustment (I am just finding that out myself - since the significant other and I moved in together (with our kids and pets) as of last August. We are still adjusting.. but you are on the right track if you are taking care of yourself and still working on the relationship. Glad you two kept it together and make some smart choices.

[dreamondreamer]

your grasp of the situation and the fact that you're steadfast in your decisions is inspiring. goodluck with everything and can't wait to hear about the new apartment. i'm on the lookout for one myself, so hard in new york :(

[Fabulously Broke]

Well better late than never or figuring this out after marriage.

It was a big step to move so far and move in right away.

For some couples, easy peasy, for others, it takes adjustment.

[Courtney]

Wow this story sounds eerily similar. And I can relate 100%. Been engaged for over 2 years now and no wedding in site yet.

I think the DC area cost & culture makes it difficult. Its so expensive to make it on your own and no one is looking to get married until they are well into their 30's. Its like what's the hurry?

There are def times when I wished I lived on my own. I just dont feel like I can afford it and that is the sad sad truth.

[Craig]

Quite the story. Good luck, I am far from thinking about marriage myself but can imagine the stress it all brings together. Nice to see you guys working hard at it instead of just breaking up like some do.

[Debt Hater]

@Wellheeled, I will send you an e-mail on that topic, as I've been thinking about it a lot, but don't want to blog about my thoughts just yet.

@Simone, @Kammee, @dreamondreamer, @Craig Thanks!

@FB We had lived together previously in TN, but then he moved back East because the job market was better for him. Then again, we also had 1,000 sq ft in TN. LOL

@Courtney, yeah I think we're going on 3 years. We've been engaged longer than we were together before engagement! But, as some other commenters said, better to work it out now than after we've said I do. And if you really think it would behoove you to move out, check that budget and see what you could do on your own. Admittedly, if I was still in debt, I don't see how this would be possible for me. We live and learn...

[Mrs. Micah]

Wow. That's something I haven't heard of much, but it sounds a lot healthier than people who try to force themselves to get along in a bad situation or than when people just break up. I hope it works out.

Glad to hear you found an apartment. Housing's rough around here. I wonder if being in a studio apt together is good for anyone's relationship. I know I appreciate having the little space I do in our 1-bedroom.

[mapgirl]

Oh hon!! I hear you. Life is complicated and you don't owe us any explanations. Best wishes on setting up a new home and 'resetting' your relationship. :-)

[Tiffany In Houston]

You did the right thing. A very mature decision on both of ya'lls part. It's going to work in your favor, I know it!