Ladies and gentlemen of the personal finance blogosphere, I hate working.
I hate working.
I HATE it.
I always have. My first job, I was a camp counselor in this camp run by Brooklyn College. The kids basically took classes like art, comic drawing, swimming lessons and remedial math and we went on field trips to places like the Bronx Zoo. It was more summer school than camp.
Anyway, I was one the high school students they hire to take the kids from class to class, watch them during lunch and supervise them on field trips.
It was fun. I was so nervous my first day and by the time I got home, I was jazzed to go the next day. I had my favorite kids and teachers and I enjoyed being outdoors and earning money.
That feeling lasted the first two weeks.
Then the alarm clock went off and I'd lie in bed wondering what would happen if I just didn't show up for work.
This pattern repeated itself through my entire working life. I'd be all jazzed about a new opportunity or job for about a week, a month, three months, maybe even six months, but, eventually, the alarm clock goes off and I lie in bed thinking of reasons to call in sick.
Naive silly child that I was.
But I still hate working.
I think I hate working because I know I have to work. As in, there ain't no trust fund. I'm not working because it's stimulating. Because I'm contributing to society. I'm working because I have to eat. Because I don't want to be homeless. Because I don't own anything so I owe everyone.
I think if I was wealthy and knew that I could waste six weeks watching paternity tests on Maury and still be as rich and comfortable, then I think I would love to work.
But no, after a few months on a new job, I'm just working because I gotta. I DON'T want to be unemployed. I'm not crazy. But, I resent having to work because, sometimes, I'd like to go see a movie in the middle of the afternoon. Sometimes, I'd like to take in a museum or got to a lecture or just do something I've never done before. I don't want to wait for the weekend, when I'm usually tired and just want to veg out.
Sometimes I want to take a huge chance at something and know that if I fail miserably, I won't be living on the street, eating out of dumpsters.
I want... I want... hmmm? What do I want?
Security? Well, that ain't NEVER going to happen because there is no such thing. I mean, think about it, you can prepare and save and plan, but life happens. You can plan for everything and have all the emergency fund in the world -- but if someone flies a plane into your office, well it wouldn't have saved you.
And it doesn't have to be some terrible catastrophe. What if you just want to do something different? How much will you have to change your plans? How much will that desire thwart all your plans? Will you have to just let it go and stay on course? That doesn't sound like fun.
Don't get me wrong -- you'd better plan and save! You don't want to be vulnerable to stupid things (include your own bad choices), but, don't kid yourself into think that planning is going to hold back the universe, because it won't. There's a super cliched old joke: If you want to make God laugh, make plans. I sometimes think that the more I have things together, the more the universe tries to tear my stuff up. I can't tell you how many times I've lined up all my dominoes and then there's an earthquake...
So, if I can't have security, then what do I really want?
I don't know.
But, since many of you are smarter than me (and I'm pretty dang smart so feel complimented!), maybe you can tell me.
Have you ever felt this way? What do you think it is?
What do you want