A smaller wedding to suit our dreams

    I'm in my gown kissing my dapper groom in his custom-made suit while our mothers cry and our friends cheer.
    Then photographer's camera flashes hundreds of times and when he's done, we'll look like models in some glossy magazine -- a couple almost too good to be true.
    We'd feast with our loved ones and listen to our personal playlist blaring out of the speakers. After the official celebration, we'd gather with our younger, mostly single, buddies and head out, dressed to the nines, to a sophisticated night spot to toast, dance and party before the sun rose on our first full day as husband and wife.

    At least, that's how I envisioned it.
    But that's not how it's going to happen it seems.

   Right before my guy left, I had give him back the money he had given me for the wedding to tide him over between the move, securing an apartment and continuing the job search.
    It hurt to have to do that, but that was our financial reality.
    After that, I realized that I really dug my hole deeper charging my laptop (on AMEX with a 12.99% rate. Duh). I paid off my AMEX with some of the money I had saved in our wedding account.
  As of right now, there's about $500 left in the account. And, honestly, I'm about to put that on my credit card too.
    Sigh.
    We had a long talk a few weeks ago about it. We had a good plan and were on track to pay cash for our dream wedding. God, we were so close... but things did not work out the way we hoped. And now, I think the wedding we envisioned is out of the question unless we postpone it for another year at least.
    I don't want to do that. We've worked hard on our relationship to have a successful marriage. The wedding, despite our hopes, is going to have to be scaled down considerably.
    I already have the dress. He's getting a suit custom made. No reason we can't put both to good use... we just won't be feeding 100+ people to celebrate our nuptials. And we probably won't be able to afford the fancy photog I had hoped for (I LOVED this dude's work...). And, we may not be able to do it in my beloved NYC. Damn.
    You know what's funny? I think he's more disappointed than I am! At this point, I just want to marry my guy. I don't really care about everything else.
    Still, there's a little twinge in my heart when I think about it. We were so smart about saving for it. Now, it won't happen just the way we wanted. Not without a miracle!

    DH

Comments

[Les]

I think you must be the first person I ever met who put off the "big expensive party" in favour of other financial obligations and responsibilities. I'm so impressed with you!

I have a good idea that you'll get much of your dream wedding anyway, DH. You're a smart cookie - I think you'll make it happen, I really do.

[traineeinvestor]

When we were doing the budgeting for our wedding and deciding what to include and what to do without my other half kept reminding me that it was the marriage that was important, not the wedding itself. Neither then, nor at any time since, have we had any regrets about all the economies we made. The one thing we did spend money on was a professional photographer - those images are lasting memories - but we hired someone who was still trying to establish herself rather than one of the more expensive better known professionals.

Good luck.

[D]

You may think you are "sacraficing", but I think you will find the day will be so .... spectacular that it will overshadow the sacrafice. After all, you are marrying your best friend and the love of your life. The rest is really just fluff.

A possible suggestion for a party, would be at your 5 year anniversary. Celebrating your "correct" decision and sharing it with those around you. Possibly a party in your home. You could have it catered so you have fun too. You may find this lower cost, more relaxed day is a gift to remember forever.

Better yet, do it your 7th year, celebrating in front of the world the strength of your love and how it's strength defeats the 7 year itch.

Options are many! Love is far and few between. Especially, lasting love.

[Carisa]

DH, we had a "small" wedding (about 75 people), but I wish it had been even smaller! And planning a wedding from another city is really difficult. I did it and wished I hadn't. I thought my family would help more, but they didn't.

Anyway, here's my $.02: get married in a municipal garden before it gets too hot or in the evening (I did and it ruled). The surroundings are beautiful so no decorations are required. You would probably be able to rent chairs for pretty cheap. I wouldn't get a tent. I'd serve champagne and fabulous hordourves. Have a couple of waiters in tuxes serve them to guests. You'd need a wedding cake, so get it from the grocery store with fresh flowers as decoration. There are some other costs involved such as a fee for the minister, paying for a policeman b/c some municipalities require that when alcohol is involved at their park, etc., but it would be minor compared to an expensive hotel and a 5 course meal.

Your wedding is one day and it should be special, but don't build it up too much in your mind. It won't be perfect, no matter how much money you spend.

Good luck! I'm cheering for you.

[3 Things About Money]

Ah, smart woman -- focusing on the marriage and less on the accoutrements of the wedding. But still, I know how you feel.

My story: We had to do the frugal wedding because life interferred. So my dress was 29.95 on sale from dress barn, we printed our own invitations on the laser printer, we borrowed a friend's farm and got married in the meadow, dinner was a very restrained buffet catering job plus some potluck, the flowers were picked that morning from the meadow, a friend took photos for free,and it was strictly BYOB (plus please bring one extra). There was no cake (we made peach pie instead), no favors, no champagne. We dropped our entire miniscule wedding budget on the band, 12 piece, discount rate because they were friends, because we could only pick one thing, and that was the thing we cared about. The party was a total blow out blast, and people said later it was the best, partially because everyone came together as a community of friends and family to do it together. The music was *divine*. The day sparkled. At the top of the party a double rainbow arced over the meadow and there was much oohing and ahhing.

It still makes me cry when I think about how much that day meant to me, and letting my friends think about me, participate by cooking, and show how they were committed to our marriage, and to the ritual of the beginning.

No matter what you do, stop in the middle of all and look up at the sky and treasure the moment that you began on this marriage adventure. You and your lucky man are going to have a wonderful life...

[d chedwick]

You are doing the right thing!

We got married at City Hall in NYC, our reception was so small -- hosted by others in a restaurant, we had no cash outlay there. The best man purchased the flowers, and everyone was perfectly OK with the way we got hitched. (and it was plenty romantic.) We wanted to have money to buy real estate, instead of a fairy tale wedding, and it turned out happily ever after, I felt like I had everything & more that day. It is the marriage that counts.

[Teri Pittman]

Lord, please do NOT put off this marriage to have the perfect wedding. The wedding is just a party. It's only a celebration. The marriage is the important part. We had a small wedding in a church. I made the clothes I wore. Jeffrey wore a shirt, tie and slacks. The reception was at my mom's house afterwards. We went to a drivein with the best man after that and some snake turned off the power at our house, so we never made it to the place we had reservations for our honeymoon. But the marriage has lasted 36 years and counting.

[Teelee]

I just ran across your blog and wanted to support you in your decision to think of the marriage before the picture perfect wedding day. I've been married for 14 years to the man of my dreams. If I had it to do over again, I'd ditch the entire stress inducing money sucking ceremonial garbage, hop a plane and marry my man barefoot on a warm beach at sunset. Wedding and honeymoon all in one with the only people who truly matter...the two of us.
I know every girl dreams of the big wedding bash. But what matters is not one day, but the rest of the days that follow it. Best of luck to you and your man, may you be blessed with many years of happiness.

[Debt Hater]

Teelee, thank you for the very sweet blessing.
Thank all of you for the kind words!
Now to convince my guy that this really is for the best!

[Sistah Ant]

I think that you two are going to well - your priorities are where they ought to be. And your marriage will be so much better off for it!