Thoughts on Marriage #1: When the woman is the bread winner

    There was an article in the local paper today about how more men are moving for the sake of their wive's careers.
    Many times it's because the wife earns more money anyway, so advancing her career would be more beneficial financially.
    I worked with a man who left his job as a news reporter in Virginia to move with his wife (and their children) to Colorado because she would make far more money there than either one of them was already making.

    In my situation, it's far more complex and, as usual, complicated by race.
    My guy moved to Tennessee to be with me. I had a job offer in Washington, D.C. where he had been living for the past three years. But I didn't want that job and the job in Tennessee seemed like a better career move for me. The salary offered was the same, so it would go further in the south. My guy had a lot of friends in D.C. -- a life there -- and he left it, selling most of his stuff and giving up his apartment to be with me.
 
    The plan was to make Tennessee our home for a couple of years to save money and build equity in a house.
    All of this was contingent on him finding a job.
    He had saved a good amount of money to help out while he was looking and we were both saving for the wedding. After two months, it started to get nerve wracking. The South sucks if you want a job in IT, a real job, not a call center job. I felt guilty because he left a good market for his skills to be with me. Not to mention that firms in D.C. were still calling him about jobs, while the phone was silent from firms in Tennessee.
    He went on interviews for jobs below his skill-level, for less than he was making before (he was also making more than I am now in D.C.) and still walked away without a job offer. He went straight to companies in a suit with his resume asking to meet with the HR directors directly. I had co-workers, church members and acquaintances keeping an eye and ear out for work.
    Nothing has come of any of it.
    For a while, we were on edge, fighting about nothing and otherwise sitting on pins and needles while I second guessed every pizza we ordered, every grocery receipt, every time we went to the movies.

    What does this have to do with race? It's a classic situation where the black woman essentially runs the household in all ways and the black man is just kind of tagging along. No man wants to be in that position. Feeling like you're not contributing wears on a man. It's unhealthy emotionally, mentally and even physically. Not to mention that our society fully expects black men to be useless and makes it difficult for them to contribute.
    In extreme cases, poor people can't have a strong male influence in the house or they'll lose their welfare benefits. Imagine that -- choose between a working husband or food stamps to feed your family.

   But our situation isn't that bad. My guy continues to pay his half of the expenses, but his savings, which had been an envious sum, have dwindled considerably.

    Race also complicates things by making it nearly impossible to know exactly why he's not getting these jobs. How do we know for sure it isn't because he's black? We can't prove it and while it's unlikely, it's just something you have to think about when you're black. It's a reflex, and unfortunately it's not always wrong. Aside from that, this is the South and my guy wears his hair in long dreadlocks. He's always cleanshaven with his hair neatly pulled back on interviews, but how do we know his hair isn't counting against him? If he cut his hair short would he get a job? There's no way to know. And it just seems wrong that he would have to do that, especially for jobs that are, technically, beneath him anyway.

     While my resume shows a progression from graduate school through the ranks of my profession, his resume shows a list of jobs, now with a huge gap in between. Chances are, when it's time for me to move up again, he'll have to move again... and start all over... again. It's hard, if not impossible, to build a career that way.
    Close friends of mine -- also black -- are in the exact same situation. Her husband has already moved twice to follow her career ambitions. She has firms clamoring to get her on board, but he can't find a minimum wage job even with years of experience (also in IT). Thankfully he's got work now, but the situation is still the same. When it's time for her to move up, he's going to have to move.
    How many times can you ask someone to do that before it's not fair? Traditionally, we've expected women to do it for their husbands, no questions asked, but that likely wasn't any more fair (though the dynamics are different -- we've got to admit that).

    Finally, after lots of praying, arguing and more praying, we've decided that my guy cannot stay in Tennessee. We're thinking of our future and he's trying to build a reputation and his own business. He can't do that here. And, frankly, he needs a job. We're getting married and the bills won't stop coming.
    I talked to a mentor in my industry -- also a black man -- who told me that's the way it is. He said when it comes to couples, they can't both work at the same time. He works in Virginia, while his wife is in North Carolina. Both were presented with excellent opportunities in their careers and now they live apart because of it.
    It's a painful revelation, but we're going to be apart for awhile... even after we get married. I took this job for a reason and I could lose a lot if I just pick up and leave now... but I don't want to stay 5 states away from my husband. His moving back is also going to make things tough for me financially. I was able to aggressively pay down debt  and save for the wedding because I was splitting bills with him. If I have to pay the bills on my own, I can only pay about half what I was on my credit card. So my 9/25/2007 deadline for debt repayment may be put off for a long time.

    But I think marriage is worth it. For the right reasons of course.

Comments

[tiredofbeingbroke]

Sorry to hear things are not looking up for your guy in terms of job offers. Just keep faith and pray that as a couple you will make the decision that is best for both of you.

[L. Britt]

I say get up and go. Your man clearly makes you happier than anything else...even debt reduction! If you could both live in a city where you can both get a job, even if it's not as stellar as the one you have now, you may not be crazy rich, but you'll be SO much happier!

[D]

First and foremost Pray. Then Pray again. I'll pray for you too.

Then, until the wedding - If your guy goes back to the first home and works, you should get a room mate. Keep your expenses low. Pay off all you can and keep saving for the BIG Day!

In the mean time, put all your feelers out in his area for a return transfer. Explain to any and all of your impending wedding and desire to move to the area. This is an explainable situation on your resume. And you NEED to be with your husband after that beautiful day. Don't let anyone stop you.

Good luck!

[Lazy Man and Money]

Is it too late to move back to DC where you both could have incomes? It seems you have job offers and your man has friends and possibly connections to get his job (or another one) back.

I moved out 3000 miles from Boston to SF for my wife's promotion. As part of the decision, we looked at my job prospects as a Software Engineer in SF -- that worked out perfectly. I know it's rarely that easy, but that's what caught my attention with this post and drew me in.

As to the hole in your man's resume, I've been there after the dot-com bust in 2001. One of the things I did was try to start my own company and take contract jobs (where possible). The company never got off the ground, but my resume doesn't have a hole in it. I'm able to explain why I thought the company would succeed and why it failed (I only put 80% in it instead of the 125% that I needed to).

[Debt Hater]

Thanks for the tip Lazy Man. I'll talk to him about that. It's also nice to hear from a guy who can relate.

[GeckoGirl]

I'm somewhat saddened by your post. Of course, I'm sorry to hear about your fiance's difficulties in finding a suitable position but things like your mentor saying both spouses can't work at the same time, etc. somewhat riles me. While I think that may be the case for SOME people, it's hardly the norm. Yes, there are some cases where the women are the breadwinners and "running" the household but that isn't the norm and doesn't have to be. We, as Black women, don't need to resign ourselves to being the primary breadwinner or living separate from our husbands.

I live and work in the south, my hubby has locks and he's had no trouble getting a position or advancing in his career. We both have "good jobs" and unless someone has a career in a highly specialized field, I don't see why both people can't find good positions in one city. No, it may not be the city of your first choice but there shouldn't be the need to live/work apart.

Yes, racism is alive and well in the south but it was in California (where we previously lived) as well as upstate NY as well as everywhere else I've lived . The existence of racism isn't truly sufficient to keep someone with the right education and experience from getting a good job. Does it matter it harder? Sure. But that just means maybe you have to go on five interviews instead of two.

So don't give up hope but don't think that one person "settling" for a lesser job or living apart is the way it has to be.

[Debt Hater]

GeckoGirl, thanks for the positive words. I know that the south is not the capital of racism and I am not blaming our hard time on racism (it's just one of those things that's always in the back of our minds). But his mentors warned him not to move here because it would be too hard to find a decent job. And they also told him that his hair might hold him back. Up until now, that hadn't been the case, but now we wonder. Many things have shown us that this isn't the place for him. It seems that we'll just have to make our home, together, some place else.

[Wanda]

I'm sorry to hear about this... long distance can be so hard. But you guys seem to really love each other and I wish you all the best. I think if you move to a big city like Chicago, Boston, SF, LA, or New York you'll have less problems finding good jobs together. But of course the living expenses are also much much higher.

[Clink]

I am so sorry to hear of this for you.

Is it possible for your fiance to get a job to hold him over until he can find something else?

Y'all seem to have made your decision, but what's more important? Career or life? It think it will be very hard to be separated immediately after marriage for y'all's jobs.

[Tiffany in Houston]

I've been reading the posts and I've been praying for you and yours. I struggle with the same thing with my guy and I have come to the realization that I will probably always make more money than him. Ironically, I'm the one with the issues not him.

I know you both will make the best decision for both of you! :)

[TBH]

This sounds really hard.

My partner and I both work in the same very specialized field. We know we can't ever live anyplace except a large city, or we wouldn't even have a hope of both finding work. Moving would be really hard because we'd give up all our contacts here. So I may be stuck in this town unless one of us changes careers.

[Missy]

You know, this is such a difficult thing for couples. My husband and I went through it, except that I was on the losing end. We moved from DC to Arizona because he got a job that was more than either of us made in DC, but I could not find work. Period. For three years. And it was awful. I became so bitter about it.

While it is, of course, your decision, I think I agree about the living apart thing. Maybe just put a time limit on it -- and keep it. How long can you stand it? A year? Six months? Putting a time limit on it puts an end in sight. And don't forget to budget for trips to see each other.

You both are in my prayers and in my heart. You may be a stranger, but anyone going through this gets my sympathy.

Good luck.

[Missy]

P.S. I don't think it's the hair. IT guys are rarely known for (ahem!) being clean cut. My husband is in the same field and dreads, ponytails, beards, etc. are just not a big deal (he does quite a lot of hiring). I think it's just the economy in the south, unfortunately.

[TiredinTucson]

Here in Tucson there's two kinds of discrimination. Either you get discriminated against because you are Mexican, or you get discriminated against because you're not. I don't know about African-Americans here, but most of my friends don't talk a lot about discrimination so I guess it isn't too bad.

My husband used to live in North Carolina and his take on the south is that it is a lot more racist and black people have a lot harder time. I have the opposite problem your man does; people see my last name (Martinez) and they make assumptions, like that I speak Spanish and know how to make tamales, you know what I'm sayin'? I get so many interviews because people think I'm Hispanic and even though I have a degree from a private college, I used to get calls from daycares and other minimum-wage places when I put my resume on Monster because my last name was Martinez and I have teaching experience. I'm actually married to a man with a Mexican last name, although he is only half. It's hard when people make assumptions.

It's a tough world out there. I finally got a good job last year (read: enough to pay daycare AND eat at the same time) although I nearly got crossed off the list for the same ol' reason -- no Spanish skills. But I finally made it. Here's keeping my fingers crossed that things will work out for the both of you. My prayers are with you!