Coming Up on the Rough Side of the Mountain

  I remember one day a few years ago when I was in New York with my best friend and we wandered into a shoe store. I saw and tried on a pair of boots. I took out my credit card to pay for them because I didn't have the cash. I said exactly this, "I'm already thousands of dollars in debt. What's abother $50!"
    I don't even have those boots anymore. But I'm still paying for them.
    I'm still paying for Christmas gifts I bought my family in 2002. I'm still paying for gas I bought in California in 2004. I'm still paying for two plane tickets I bought for me and my ex to visit his relatives a month before we broke up. I am still paying for my laptop which might die on me any day now.
    My debt made me feel like a failure. I wasn't paying attention all those years. I missed credit card, cell phone and other payments simply because I moved five times in a two years and everything wasn't getting to my mailbox. Sometimes I would pay a bill and pray to God that I didn't need anything else for two weeks until my next check came. It made me feel like an idiot.
    Fast forward a few years. I feel really differently about money and, as a result, about myself. I visited a first-time homebuyer's seminar last weekend. It was marginally helpful, but I did learn about some important things I need to do more research on.
    I also got a free check of my credit score. It was way better than it was last year. My middle score was 719, way up from about 683 or so. It will only get higher as I pay down more debt.
    Today I went to the library to get a copy of "Smart Couples Finish Rich" by David Bach for my guy and I to look over to facilitate our upcoming discussions and decisions on managing our money, saving for the wedding and preparing to buy a house. I can foresee that I will be designated the CFO of this partnership. But I can handle that thought now. A few years ago I think it would have made me cry. "I don't know anything about money! I can't be responsible for it!"
    Oh boo hoo you pitiful girl. I'm glad that's not me anymore.
    Bach's book asked you to rate how you feel about money on a scale of 1 to 10 -- 1 being "Money is Evil" to 10 being "Money is the most important thing."
    I think I settled on an 8. That's significant to me because less than 6 years ago, I would have said "1."
  Money isn't evil. Neither are credit cards (although a few posts ago I said the devil himself must have created them). I feel more in CONTROL now. I know exactly what I owe. I automated bills so I don't miss them anymore. I actually look for opportunities to read about investing and finances. I don't run screaming when someone says "bank."
    This might be a woman thing (I don't see many male bloggers talk about their "feelings"), but I am curious to know how you all feel about your debt, if you have it, or about previous financial foibles. Did they make you feel like a moron (like I felt)? Or did you get scared that the house of cards would tumble any moment and you'd wind up in the street (like I sometimes still feel)?
    And guys, please weigh in too! Especially yall because I am curious how men feel about money and debt.

    Talk to me, I look forward to it.

    DH

Comments

[sf mom]

oh, where to start? I've come a long, long way with my relationship with money. I used to be a worrier...will we have enough? how are we going to pay for that? you want to pay how much for that house in SF? I've done A LOT of breathing, meditating, and praying about how money had control of me. One of the best books that I've read to help me (begin) to heal these wounds is "Your Money or Your Life" by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. I'm doing better, but I constantly seek a place of contentment when it comes to money. I strive for balance in work, family, mothering and the world.

You are on the right path girl! Like you said, look how far you've come. Celebrate! :)

[Sara]

I really relate to your financial situation! I've finally said "enough is enough" when it comes to debt and have committed to not going into any more, but I find on my salary that committment means forgoing any expenditure but food (and really cheap food at that) for at least awhile. And this is a really hard realization, especially because I'm in a long distance relationship. How to tell the significant other that I don't have the money to visit? How to gracefully say I can't afford to go out when he's in town? I know that things will get better, in 6 months things will be SO much better if I just dedicate myself to the cause (and considering that my credit's basically maxed, I'm dedicated to the cause whether I like it or not), but I never realized the sacrifices I would have to make. Puts all of those dumb expenditures into perspective. I'm a much humbler woman now.

Anyway, thank you so much for your blog, I read it daily and it really has helped with my own struggle (emotional and economic) against debt!

[lpkitten]

i remember having the same rationale, i.e. i already have loads of debt so i might as well buy whatever i want. the enormity of the debt made me feel powerless and guilty and i ironically dealt with those emotions by shopping more and more. debt can be a vicious cycle until you wake up and start to take control, like you have. then the feelings of hopelessness turn into feelings of empowerment! ya!

[D]

First I have to say the "importance of money" instead of thinking it was evil....I think I always thought of it as a 10-The most important. I kept thinking and still do some days, if I only had, if I could only win, if I only didn't buy. I know you looked at money as evil..I looked at it as I have to have it.

I woke up at 4 am this morning, after a restless sleep again. It is getting to the point that I can't remember my last good nights sleep. Money is what is on my mind. Bills, tenants, rents, mortgages, the list goes on and on. Although financially I am better off today then I have ever been, I find myself almost cursing myself for my errors. Heck, in the car alone, I am usually talking out loud "you idiot, how could you do this". Compassion is my enemy being a landlord.

I pray every morning, noon and night, for God to give me the strength I need, the hindsight I need, the answers I need. I just wish his answers were more straight forward.:-)

The funny thing is since I am financially "better" off now then ever. I will make it through the rough areas...I know this. And yet it still makes me just as sick. Why? I guess I have a lot of maturing to do.
-d

[peggy west]

I can't tell you enough what an encouragement your blog is to me.
Married for 20 years and merrily going along my shopaholic path, HSN, (shudder) Florida vacations from 2000, countless dinners out. And then boom! My 46-year-old husband and breadwinner -- strong as an ox -- 2 strokes, open heart surgery and complete disability. At the time -- 1 and half years ago -- 5 kids at home and a wedding in progress. I had always 'let the man handle everything'. Well there were more surprises: he had canceled life insurance, ' forgot' to pay the mortgage, etc. In all fairness he wasn't well for a long time -- just covering up.
Literally forced to face the debt, the Lord has graciously led me to Dave Ramsey and you. I inhale what you all have to say cuz at first it was literally like a foreign language - 'moneyspeak'. Oh how I wish I knew and followed this 20 years ago - what heartache I would have been spared.
I want to leave you with a bible verse, Proverbs 13:18 "He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored." Keep up the good work!

[Terri]

Over the past 25 years DH and I have had our rough spots. He's in the military and I cannot tell you how many times credit cards gave us the ability to put food on the table - instead of borrowing again from my parents - when I was out of work because the government moved us again, the government didn't pay him or we'd use our own money to buy him equipment he needed to protect himself (like when he went to Iraq). I've also used CCs to pay for college instead of going the student loan route. For some reason I felt CCs were *better.* I have been so scared for several years - especially the last 4 - and finally decided 2 months ago to get ahold of my fears and conquer them. DH will retire in Sept. 2008 and my goal is to have us completely out of debt, including our 2 cars, by then. We don't own a home, but I'm hoping we'll be able to do that shortly after his retirement and do the 15 yr loan thing. We're not spring chickens anymore and I'd give anything to know back then what we know now.

[Paula]

I've been doing a lot of beating up on myself because of my past expenditures and stupidity when it has come to money. Especially since I didn't put car stuff into the budget and just kind of did it all by the seat of my pants.... but I (like you) have come a long way baby.

I still have my moments of panic where I think Why on earth did I DO THAT????? But I know I am better than I have been in the past and things are getting better in the here and now. I've been able to fix (well up until Monday) my car without having to skip something else. I'm breathing easier. And I am planning better.

[JBlue]

Just this past weekend I was in tears looking at my cc debt and yet it’s not as bad as it could be. Since I’ve become interested in money I put a lot of pressure on myself spend consciously. I have lists, charts, goals and piggy banks all working toward diminishing debt and to simultaneously accumulate as much savings as possible. I'm very impatient with this process and at times I know I obsess over it.

My feelings about money rate a 7. No longer am I indifferent about my finances but I still worry and stress more than I should. I too am saving for a wedding and at the moment I struggle with conflicting feelings about using my very hard-earned savings for an event—albeit a significant one—that lasts basically one day. That is something my SO and I differ on greatly. I don’t want the new debt that I know a wedding will bring. There's a bizare comfort in knowing that others are dealing with similar situations.

[Millionaire Artist]

Thanks for the great post! I can say that my feelings about my *self worth* have increased as I felt more in control about my *net worth*...addressing the emotions around money are difficult at times, but, well-worth it in the longterm. Keep up the great blog!

[mapgirl]

A really fantastic post. Your commenters are really great people.

It's a mind-money thing. I think a lot of people who have debt get depressed about it. I am sure that if you are depressed, you probably have some debt too. They seem to go together.

It's definitely a challenge, but I think debt is easier to control than self-esteem or weight/calories. There are even bonuses of free money, i.e. interest and dividends. You don't get free calories on your diet. ;-)

[Tracy]

I posted my thoughts on my blog :) We don't have credit card debt anymore so it's kind of different for us.