Women fearing money?

I read an article today about author Liz Perle's recently released book called "Money, A Memoir: Women, Emotions and Cash."

The book is about women's disfunctional relationship with money. Primarily that women are embarrassed by their spending appetites and they lie about how much things cost or say something was on sale when it wasn't. Many women don't understand money and are waiting for someone or something to save them from the daily hassle of managing their money or being "man" enough to negotiate their salaries or demand a better deal.

According to the article, Perle says "Money and love are very comingled for women, and money, and fear and money, and scarcity -- the bag-lady fear. ... "[Women] might have some feelings they don't think are right to have, like the fact there is still this sort of Prince Charming fantasy. It doesn't have to be a man anymore. It could be a parent's going to bail you out or a job's goingto bail you out, or a lottery ticket or the novel in your drawer."

Things like this always make me uneasy. I do believe that there are inherent differences between the sexes (that's sort of the whole point, isn't it?) and I think men and women handle things differently. But I wonder if people take these differences as competence vs. incompetence.

You know, if men do it this way then that's the right way. Therefore, if women do it differently, they're doing it wrong.

Obviously I take offense to that, as I think most intelligent people would. Besides, we all know plenty of men who don't know what to do with their money besides spend it -- just like many women.

But I do think there is a very emotional reaction and response to money. In my last post I wrote about how good it felt to just go shopping and buy nice things. That's the whole point of money, right? To spend it. It's useless if we don't spend it. Spend it on clothes, spend it on homes, spend it on education, on travel, on food, on our children, on our retirement, on charities. Money is for spending.

Shopper's high.

But then I got home and wondered if I should have just saved the money or put it toward my debt.

Shopper's remorse.

I used to have a bulimic relationship with money. Like a self-righteous anorexic I would hold on to every penny,  but I didn't invest it and make it work for me, because I didn't know how. I prided myself on denial -- denying myself that new jacket, the new shoes, the trip to wherever, the dinner out, the expensive brand of orange juice. I held on to the money with an iron death grip.

But who can take that for very long? So I would binge and buy one item that I didn't really want for more money that it was worth. Or I would buy a whole bunch of things that I really wanted all at once, thinking it was okay because I just went six months without buying anything. I must have the money, right?

But that kind of binge/purge fueled a bad emotional relationship with money. I hated money because I didn't understand it. I just knew that I needed it, but I never seemed to have enough no matter what I did. I saw all these things that I wanted but couldn't have because I didn't have money. It was money's fault for making me miserable. There were moments (I hate to admit it) when I thought the only way out was hoping I married somebody wealthy. I partly chose my original vocation (medicine) because I thought I could save people from their ills and have all the money I needed doing it.

Yuck. Thank God I got sick of that and started to educate myself. It's like looking back on a bad relationship and wondering "Good Lord, what was I thinking!?" But then you look at your current, good relationship and you're thinking, "Thank God. I am so much smarter now!"

I'll keep reading and learning and straightening this out. And I am making progress. You can soon see it on the No Credit Needed Network when I update my debt paydown this month. Right now I'm on track to pay it all off by July 2008, but I really want to do it by my 30th birthday, Sept. 25, 2007.

Right now, I don't see how I can do that. But I know there are smarter people out there who do know, so help a sista out! DH

Comments

[Miserly Mistress]

My favourite money book is "A girl's best friend is her money", and they talk about the Prince Charming myth. They do it in a really good way, though, inspiring you to do it yourself. They also have a really good chapter on being financially educated in case you and your partner split up or he dies, leaving you to manage your finaces alone at a stressful time. It's a UK-centric book, but there are bits in there for any woman. I also relate to the "shopping anorexia" (great term!), I do feel self righteous coming home empty handed.

I've been reading your blog for a while now and I really enjoy it, and I think you should sumbit this post to the debt reduction carnival.

Stay strong, you're doing well.

[Leanne]

I just ready the NCN network, and I totally agree with NCN, you CAN, and I know you will pay off that debt WAY before 2008! Just keep thinking, every extra penny you put toward your debt is an extra penny that you can't be charged interest on, so every extra penny you pay saves you money and puts you closer to being debt free sooner.

Do you have something you are working toward? Me, I am working toward saving for a down payment on a home, so I have a picture of my ideal house in my wallet. Every time I go to spend money, I see that picture, it makes me think twice about spending.

Believe in yourself and what you are doing and you will get there! :)
~leanne

[mapgirl]

Hi! Thanks for this great post and linking to me! I see you like knitting. Hooray!

[Richard K Miller]

I just saw this NY Times article that was interesting and related:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/11/business/11instincts.html

[nippy]

I thought I was frank with my husband about my money (we split our finances), and today when I told him that I was worried about my credit card debt, he asked me "what credit card debt? I didn't know you had any". I was shocked too! I couldn't believe that I hadn't told him. It was very manageable last year, but then balloned up this year. I was clearly embarassed about it to not even discuss it with him. Then I read your post earlier today, and it made me think...

[skbell1]

Great post. People, not just genders, handle finances differently. I'm the "money smart" one in our house, with my husband just trusting me to handle the finances. (And I love your blog's layout/look! Could it be partly because I have the same theme?).

[College Graduate]

I can relate 100% to the shoppers high! Until recently, I too enjoyed going out and just buying nice things-- then upon returning home feeling guilty that I didn't put the money toward savings... Great Blog- and I am lovin' the afro!

A fellow sista trying to figure money out.

[bloomingyou]

Did you happen to catch Oprah a couple of weeks back??? They are doing a Debt Reduction series with couples and one of the women spends because it makes her feel better about her self and she KNOWS what it's doing to her family.

It ties in the whole using money to hide old hurts and pains type of stuff. It also really made me think about why I was spending the way I did.

[Dorez]

Wow, DH... I'm just blown away by this topic and by what you've shared about your relationship with money. This could actually be MY story... except that I ruined my credit when I was younger. I'm rebuilding it slowly, but only because I'm trying to help my daughter with her business. Once she's on her feet, I don't plan to use credit anymore except for major emergencies.

Your experience touched me so deep, I can't even find the words right now to express it. So, rather than rambling on, let me just say that I appreciate your being honest and I know you're going to accomplish your goal of being debt free. I've only just discovered your blog today, but you can bet I'll be coming back on a regular basis.
- Dorez
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